**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
