It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
