In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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