I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
