This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
