Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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