I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
