Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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