A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
