dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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