The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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