but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
