You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
