i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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