Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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