So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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