You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize