i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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