WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
