two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
