if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I wish there were birth control emojis
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
