There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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