Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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