omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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