she woke up with a sticky ear
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
