Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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