Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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