she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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