I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
