and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
