My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
