Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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