i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
