He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Randomize
