I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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