Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
