dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
