You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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