You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize