I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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