if i can run in heels then i can drive
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
