Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
