Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
