she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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