According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
