Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
