At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
