I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
