I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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