Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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