what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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