he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize