I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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