Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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