I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize