True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
