i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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