hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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