you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My feet surprised me
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
