Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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