um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
