Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
