I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I can't put those talents on a resume
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
