I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize